Controlling Discipline

This morning, someone asked me to present a discussion at the shul in Bradley Beach, NJ today. I agreed, and quickly chose a topic that's been on my mind for a while: reward and punishment. I figured, since in next week's parsha, the source for the second paragraph of the Shema appears, reward and punishment is a timely subject.

My initial thought was, "This should be simple-- just talk about the parsha, some stuff about the Gemaras re. punishment, and then talk about how discipline makes its way into education and parenting." I let that sit, and then the next day, when i started addressing the issues more directly, and trying to construct a talk, things started becoming more complicated.

"The religious coercion that went on in the Bible began to wane already with the Talmudic effort to make executions virtually impossible"-- no, that's too controversial. "The model that the Bible establishes is no longer viable, both because we don't have religious coercion, and because it's a free world, in general-- people will do what they want. Many people are terrified of the prospect of Chareidim in power in Israel because of what religious coercion would mean." No-- this is getting way too controversial. Ok, I thought, so what am I going to say? "The model that the Torah establishes is all about a power struggle between G-d and man. G-d has the power, and so he can make demands on man." Not only does that sound awful, but I feel like I'm giving a feminist critique of the Bible!

Ok, when I turned to my Mom at the end of Mincha, and I said to her, "so Mom, what should I say tonight?" I honestly didn't know what I could say. I felt like it was the top of a curve-- that the simplicity of the initial planning was past, but would return-- and with greater depth. I felt all the complexity becoming way too overwhelming for me, let alone to present in this public forum with all these people.

I went down, and my mind blanked out while I ate challah and talked to my 12 year old brother. When I got up to speak, I felt the presence of a supportive community made up of people who are all on a journey-- all looking for a good, reasonable way to lead their lives. I felt an honesty to the group that I didn't feel in myself.

I didn't end up including much that was controversial. I did present the G-d/man dynamic in the Parsha as a power difference, but I left it at that. G-d is in control of nature, and he can punish us. So he says, that if we will keep his mitzvas, he will manipulate nature to our advantage, and if we don't listen, we will be punished by the nature that he will lash out against us. I then mentioned briefly that religious punishment does extend to the Jewish courts, in particular circumstances, with the Sanhedrin. I then brought it down to real life. Practically speaking, the parent/child relationship is a kind of microcosm of what the G-d/man relationship is. Mommy and Daddy have the power, and so they can make demands and enforce as they wish, since they have that power. How can we show our children that they ought to do what we think is better for them, for their sake? What kinds of rewards and punishments might we dole out? Finally, I'm reading a book called, "How to Talk so Your Kids will Listen and Listen so Your Kids will Talk," where the author asks, What message does it send our kids when we punish them? And how will they model this behavior as adults? Unfortunately, when a child is treated with abuse by a parent, they will often times become abusive themselves-- that is true for all kinds of parenting skills. So I opened the floor up to the audience...

The discussion ensued. One man brought up a piece of business advice, where they recommend that employers sugar coat criticism with positive comments. Another man noted that as a parent, he feels it is imperative that people's pride not get in the way, and that they recognize that the punishment isn't a way to get back at the child. Instead, he suggested that people focus on seeing the result as a natural consequence to the child's actions. A woman stood up and said that she thought it was more important to set out clear guidelines, like the Jews have-- that we agreed to a contract, and when we violate it, we're held accountable. That children ought to know what is expected of them, and then when they don't live up to that, to see that they are punished. That way, everything is fair. A man stood up and said, "When I was young, my parents didn't praise us for doing well in school- it was expected! When we didn't perform, we were talked to, but otherwise, they didn't praise us for doing well-- of course we should do well! This is the tradition, and it works." Another, younger man, said that positive reinforcement is always better received, and should be utilized whenever possible. But of course, every child is different.

At the end of the talk, I felt comforted by the discussion. I felt that we're all in this, and that we're all going through the same issues. No one has THE right answer, but that we're all trying to get at something that works for us. I felt safer moving forward. I also liked that quite a few people came up to me afterwards to tell me anecdotes and pieces of advice for this coming year, when I will be teaching.

Please feel free to share any of your own experiences with reward and punishment in school and at home, and what it did to you, and to share any lessons you've learned along the way, or thoughts you might have on the subject.